( ♠ ♠ Reborn & Kuroshitsuji & Gundam 00 & etc ♠ ♠  )

( ♨ ♨ Backpack&Tissue Holders&??? ♨ ♨  )

Positive: 
Negative: 
Neutral: 

If you're bought/sold/traded anything with me, please leave some feedback here!

Vain Glory sinner is celebrating 100 followers by giving away the above pack! Isn't she generous? Click the pic to join! 

its been a long time

these days I don't blog.




it's hard to believe that
my depression isn't something i imagined

i cry at night still sometimes
on the days I am happiest, thinking about why
I didn't -

then i remember, I did treasure those days in the past. And I treasured my happiness of that day too.

So I stop, and I sleep.


Therapy has been good for me. Even if I'm not able to use all the skills at once, I can at least try to use them, and am more aware of how I feel. When I have need to voice my opinion, the delay time is shorter now. I still feel anxious a lot, but I have ways to calm down now.

And when I doubt who I am, when I doubt what I do, I list my favorite things, the things I'm good at. I try to imagine clouds, leaves, and other transient things. I feel my emotions, I watch the teapot full of anger and sadness brew.

I take out my diary card, and feel my emotions. The texture, the shape, the color, the way it moves.

I cannot dejustify my going to therapy. I have reasons to go there.

I'ts hard (but no one said it was going to be easy) 


I was looking at my hands today. Oho, my Girdle of Venus... my line of health. My odd line of marriage, my two life? head? lines. the broken head line on my right. And the line of apollo.

Girdle: Hypersensitive person.
Line of Health: fragmented. I will have a great illness.
Broken head on right: I am not fulfilling my potential.

It's... funny. No, it's... it's... 
I know. I have certain traumas related to sex, related to B, related to men. To my mother, sister, cousins, the world.

I keep comparing myself... I DON'T HAVE AS MANY PROBLEMS AS THE OTHERS! I DONT! WHY DO I GET HELP! I DON'T DESERVE TO GET HELP! Help them...

it's like this, it's like this

my mom wants love. I'D RATHER GIVE EHR ALL THE LOVE I GET FROM OTHERS. i don't want it. i don't deserve it. give it to my mom!
(i can't love her as much as she wants me to. I love myself too much. or rather i'm too absorbed in my selfhatred. I'm sorry mom.) 

when i can unlock myself, untwist myself in this forest, these chains, the bird cage and the cell. The broken, the fragmented mirror, the bird with a broken wing.

aaah!!! 

THIS
IS
ME

last minute giveaway splurging BECAUSE IT'S MARCH 31ST AND ENDING GIVEAWAYS ON THE END OF THE MONTH IS TRES TRENDY MES AMIES.

So -

I know you are all artists of some time in my flist.
Therefore, you know this brand only too well.



It's a Copic giveaway! ENDS TODAY AT 7PM I dont' know what timezone. D: 

These days, with all my giveaway joining, I've been thinking about opening a new journal on blogspot. With a new year came new changes... b ut hey, this could be spring cleaning for me.

Oh, why? Because having one on blogspot/wordpress/onsugar means I can put buttons and links in the sidebar, unlike on LJ. :/ That simple.

I'm also thinking of opening a shop on etsy. But I still have no paypal...

And that just gets back to my point about having no job. Which gets me back to -

am I changing yet? 
And being mindful.

It's hard to be aware of life all the time, i find. Im so reactive, I don't notice anything of what I'm doing, and whether or not it's good for me. I 've been working on practising my bad habits again, and... it's not a good feeling. I still feel irrationally afraid everytime I go outside. And it feels terrible everytime I get any kind of money from my parents. On the other hand, it's... I've noticed it doesn't cost that much to buy what I want, and if something looks good and it's on limited stock, why not buy it?

I really do need to get a job-
so I can get a credit card, and not smooch off my parents anymore-
so I can sell my things online-
so I can open an etsy -
so I can get appreciated for what I do, who I am.

How hard is that? 


hey, b. You've got your ireland right? 
I've got my england (though my love is for the land, not a person).
I still feel miserable when I think of you.

What kind of life do I want? 

one where I can buy things online, where I can win and lose freely and not feel negative about it, where I'm content. I guess.
Is that boring? <-- a judgment! 

I've spent all my life judging myself. Those chains I talked about when I was younger-  my judgments. Judging myself has stopped me from so much: trying out for track and field, joining certain clubs, being fit, keeping friends, making new friends, staying in school, getting a girlfriend and/or boyfriend... everything.

Its about time I flipped, inside out. New leaf, and what.


- but first i have to level up in vampire wars-
*laughs* 

Hello all!

 

I'm in very high spirits right now!! 

Why!? |

 

I'VE WON THE MAD AS A HATTER IMAX GIVEAWAY at 5minutes4giveaways!!! 

My prizes: 

• An ‘Alice’s Tea Box’ set graciously donated by the famous New York-based store, Alice’s Tea Cup. The box includes 1 Cardew Alice In Wonderland cup/saucer, 1 Box of tea sacs, 1 Swirly striped tea tin, 4 2oz. bags of tea (2 caffienated, 2 herbal), 1 Alice tea cup travel tea tumbler.
• 1 Alice In Wonderland: An IMAX 3D Experience poster
• A 4-pack set of Alice In Wonderland: An IMAX 3D Experience bookmarks
• 1 Alice In Wonderland: An IMAX 3D Experience T-shirt
• A family 4-pack of IMAX tickets

I'm so happy i can hardly breath. Hm... but I've already watch the film. What ever shall i do with these tickets? 

 

Does anyone want them? I've given two of my friends two already, so I have two left...